As an innkeeper,there are those days when . God knows, I need all the domestic wisdom I can get. The contemporary Heloise, the beautiful silver-haired lady most of us recognize from the daily paper and womens’ magazines, is actually the daughter of the original Heloise, who began publishing household hints in 1959. I am sure she was thoroughly delightful. The times must have been insane, as evidenced by the following gems excerpted from her 1961 booklet “Heloise’s Housekeeping Hints,”
Many of these are genuinely helpful and innovative But there’s always a few that, well, I can see where the contributor might have thought—before their second cup of coffee in the morning, or after their second martini in the evening—that it was something the world needed to know. The annotations are mine, but the quoted material is re-published verbatim.
I swear. (I couldnt make this stuff up anyway )
From the preface:
“Take all instructions in your stride. If you have a phobia or allergy…naturally sweep under your bed everyday.”
A phobia of what? Snakes under the bed? Or it’s a general phobia and you need to hide there?
“Keep in mind…the second wife always has a maid!”
Innkeeper’s Note: always be the second wife. But I digress yet again.
“May I remind you once again: that house will be there long after you are dead and buried. Funny, how houses outlive us!”
Ha-ha! Ha. Excuse me while I go sweep under my bed in an act of obsessive-compulsive self-soothing. And then crawl under it.
from “Dig into Closets”:
“Wait until you are mad! This is the best time to clean. You will say to yourself, ‘I have kept this dress for two years thinking that I would remake it, but I am mad today so why not throw it out?’”
Stuff your anger (in paper sacks) to save for cleaning day.
once dug out of closets…”you will have this thought in your mind: ‘Now I am ready in case I get sick or have a party, I will be prepared so that strange people in my kitchen won’t talk about me.’” Sweep for phobias; dust for paranoia.
on Laundry: a favorite topic and ritual here.
“Did you know that table cloths can be bought now in pure dacron?”
Untainted by natural fiber.
The book includes a whole section on Heloise’s innovative, labor-saving alternative to ironing: hanging the laundry on a line, then blasting the wrinkles out with the garden hose and letting it drip dry. It’s unclear to me how this is more efficient than ironing, but she later notes that “A steam iron is worth its weight in gold,” so perhaps hosing is a solution for first wives who’s husbands won’t buy them one. See innkeeper’s note above.
And our Heloise’s hint for what then to do with the hosed, dry laundry:
“Put a sheet on the floor in front of the TV! This is Saturday night and the entire family will be there. Leave the clothes there…Psychologically, all the clothes that they have used during the week will be in front of their noses. Whether they are aware of it or not…they will absorb it. They are proud of that stack of clean clothes.”
If not, next Saturday night, put all the dirty clothes in front of the TV. And the dishes, too. Psychologically, this is bound to have an impact.
But if not,
“A child’s little wagon is a wonderful aid if you have no one to help you.”
from “Paint Your Kitchen:”
“This is best done when your husband is home. Why? If he won’t help you at least he can see how hard you have worked!”
Passive-aggressive tactics are marvelous for producing anger to stuff for future closet cleaning sessions.
on “Cleaning the Bathroom:”
“…but to save money and energy and get the best shine possible use an old washcloth slightly saturated with kerosene…the kerosene odor leaves in a few minutes.”
Best not to do this while smoking.
“Alcohol is cheap, it removes soap film and leaves no water spots. But best of all, it is usually kept in the bathroom cabinet.”
The laundry hamper is also a good place to hide it.
from “Mending Made Easy:”
“THE HOUSES will be here long after we wives are dead. Why kill yourself over them? I can think of lots better ways to die!”
“Have you ever noticed how rested you feel after dinner when the dishes are done? This is the time to do some of your hard, time consuming chores.”
Why, no! I hadn’t! But why waste precious daytime hours on the tough stuff?
“How to Have a Whiter Wash:”"…add your bleach and you detergent to your hot water. If you have Pine Sol in the house, add some of that…Lysol is just as good.”
Lighter fluid, anti-freeze…anything that has a skull and cross bones on the bottle. Just toss it all in. Then,
“Have another cup of coffee, o’ innkeeper and let’s get something done.”
Because everything until now was just a warm-up.
“And this comforting aside:
“And don’t feel bad about not ironing underwear. It is an accepted fact today that not one man in a hundred whose wife has children wears ironed underwear.”
Heloise suggests that if you must, you can remove wrinkles from your husbands boxers with the garden hose set to a light sprinkle. For futher time saving, I suggest you do this while he is wearing them.
In the final section of the book, a miscellany of household hints, Heloise also absolves you from the sin of not making the bed perfectly:”Besides, when a wife pulls down the covers at night, she usually gives the bottom sheet a ‘whack and a brush.’”
You could give your husband the same, while you’re at it.
Before there was Woolite, there was this method of hand washing:Use a toilet plunger to “wash mens socks and all sorts of hand washing in the kitchen sink!”
Do it in the toilet bowl! Let your flush box do the rinsing!
Git ‘r done.
